Honesty is the best policy. Being honest is always better than being dishonest. Lying never got anyone out of trouble....BLAH BLAH BLAH!
So today I am having to get honest with myself and ACTUALLY surrender. I don't know if I can explain it so that you fully comprehend but this is f*ckin hard. This is probably the hardest day I have had since I decided not to drink.
Back in December I bought tickets to Lady Antebellum for Jeannie for Christmas. I bought three of them so she, Chris, and I could go. The original date for the concert was in February. Well we had a blizzard in Oklahoma so the concert was rescheduled. It was rescheduled for June 2nd. Hey what is today? June 2nd.
Well, I have been trying to make a real decision about whether or not I should actually go to the concert tonight or not since Sunday. This little nagging voice in my head has been telling me that it might not be the best idea that I have come up with today. That maybe hanging out with the person I liked to go drinking with somewhere there was going to be drinking just might not be the best thing for my new found sobriety.
However this other voice which is consequently LOUDER than the other voice is telling me I GOT THIS....I won't drink...I can just have a good time....think of all the good times you will miss and everyone will be talking about how fun it is and you will be left out....you don't want to be left out do you? I mean do you????
Okay so if I get honest with myself I know who belongs to each voice....quiet...GOD....LOUD...devil/enemy. So the question is who am I going to listen to? Am I willing to trade my sobriety for a couple hours of fun? Am I willing to take that chance? hmmmm....
As easy as it seems to answer that question...the follow through is the hard part. That's where I am RIGHT NOW. I am sure there will be another post today. :)
Those few hours may seem like a good idea at the time but tomorrow the pain of doing what you said you wouldn't do (yet again) will not be worth the "fun". The hating and self loathing will not have changed. It will still be there just waiting for it's moment.
ReplyDeleteThe joy comes from achieving your goal of not setting yourself up again. The joy of actually doing something a different way and then finding out that that works. Amazing... it works if you work it!
I find that I set myself up for something almost everyday — not to drink but with something or another in my life. Even with 25 years of sobriety (March 1986) I still struggle with being disciplined. I love the line "We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined."
Thank you for your blogging. Sobriety is a great blessing and I am so excited for you. I remember seeing people in meetings laughing and being happy and not believing it could happen to me. Later I had a sponsor tell me that I'm not so special that God would come down, point me out and say "Mary, I'm not going to love you. I'm going to love and help everyone else in this world but you." Oh... I guess I'm not the center of His universe. Hmmm.
Keep writing. You may not know it but you are helping me each day. It brings me back to the basics and what saved my life — by the grace of God!
Mary,
ReplyDeleteI love you! I really do and I have so missed having you in my life. This comment helped me yesterday and it is helping me tonight.