Thursday, June 16, 2011


Fear is paralyzing. Fear makes me want to hide. Fear makes me want to return to my old life. Fear can make me want to drink.

I am experiencing a lot of fear today. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear that I will lose my children. Fear that I will lose anything that I think I might have. Fear that I won't be able to find a job. And on and on and on....

I could list every single fear I have but it would take me all day. Today my most prevalent fears are of losing. I am afraid of losing all the things in my life that I have held so dear for so long.

Remember that "I got it" moment that I had a few weeks ago? Well apparently I didn't really get it. I thought I knew what it meant to give it all away, but today I am experiencing a new depth to that statement.

I had my purse stolen a couple of days ago. Some of the things I did have left from my old life were in that purse. My parents had given me some money to see me through and change over my teacher certification, and the thirty minutes between my purse being stolen and when I reported it the thieves spent all of what I did have. However, the bank will be refunding the charges that I didn't make. My wedding rings were in there and a necklace that had some special significance to me. These are now gone forever. I hadn't worn my wedding rings in months, but I was going to save them for the kids if they wanted them. The necklace I had taken off because I was going to the lake and I didn't want it to get nasty. It is gone. All my identification was in the purse too. I will now have to get a new driver's license and social security card. But mostly what is gone are some of the last traces of my old life.

The conclusion that I have come to today about all this is that God knows I have to lose it all in order to rely on Him. He has got to strip it all away for me to say okay Lord I really do surrender to you because I have no other choice. He is not punishing me, I am simply being given the chance to surrender to His will. I could take the reins here and make some things happen in my will, but why? I mean really I am working on giving up my will for His so why not use this all to my advantage.

Even though I see this and I feel God working in my life I am still afraid. I want to let go with complete abandon I am just so afraid that I am paralyzed with fear.

So here is where I am right now. I am praying that God will calm the storm within me. That He take control of my life and that I can get out of the way long enough for His will to be done in my life.

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