Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Another issue that comes with this co-dependence for me is that I feel like I will never be able to live without this person. If they left my life today I wouldn't know what to do or how to go on. And if they do decide they are walking out of my life I have to pull out all the stops. And I mean all the stops. Some of these include threatening suicide, crying, pleading, begging, screaming, yelling, and so on. It is really ridiculous when I am on this side of it. However, when I am in it there is nothing more serious and real.
I was trying to figure out how to explain it to someone else the other day and this is what I came up with. Imagine you're right handed and you find out that your right arm has gangrene and it must be cut off. There is no other way for you to live except to lose this right arm, and subsequently your hand. So your choices are either cut off the arm or die. I would probably let them cut it off, but I would keep trying to sew it back on every chance I got, and at times I would honestly feel like dying was a much better option than losing the arm/hand. Also I would be whining to everyone around me about how awful it is to lose my hand and how horrible it was that it had to happen to me. I would also be begging and pleading with the arm to sew itself back on my body and not leave me so alone because I have become so dependent on it. All the while knowing full well that the arm is diseased and can be of no use to me in a healthy way anymore.
Such are my co-dependent relationships. I get into a relationship, be it romantic or friendship, and that person becomes my everything. The sun rises and sets with this person, and if anyone tries to come between me and this person I am so angry and I am defending that relationship to the bitter end. I place expectations on this person that I never take the time to tell them about, and then expect them to live up to them. When they don't live up to my expectations I get very angry and lash out and push them away. Then when they threaten to leave I am completely baffled. I mean baffled. Why would they leave? Don't they know I love them? Don't they know they are my everything? Then the whining, begging, and pleading begin. If I convince them to stay it ends for awhile only to resume the next time. If they are very serious about leaving then I resort to anger, sometimes a little mild violence, and always manipulation to get them to stay.
The relationship is all about me. Me, me, me. I never even really bother to find out what they want out of the relationship. I feel like I am very in tune with this person and I know what they want without them even telling me. So they should be the same way with me right? Well in the end it turns out that I didn't know them any better than they knew me or I knew myself. Then the relationship is over, and then I rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again.
This pattern is slowly killing me and the people around me who love me. I say slowly, but maybe some of them are dropping like flies these days.
Here is where I am today with this. I am depressed and I want to stop, but I can't. I am powerless over this pattern. I have tried and tried and tried to stop. I know I am insane and irrational, and I know that I push people away, but how in the world do I stop? I can't seem to make myself stop just by sheer willpower.
Could the answer possibly be God? God says, worship none but me. Today I am wondering if maybe just maybe I am not putting God first. Maybe I am worshipping the people around me instead of God. Maybe these people are becoming a sort of god to me so I don't need Him while they are around.
So that is where I am today.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Now with saying this I am not wallowing in self-pity as it might seem. Actually, for once I am able to see that I am in the way and that I am the problem. It really doesn't matter what God has done for me, it is never enough. This is the way it is in all of my relationships. Since my relationship is not right with God, consequently my relationships with other people are not right.
It really doesn't matter what other people do for me I am never satisfied and it is never enough. However, the reverse, in my mind, is not true. I do everything for everyone so it should be enough and they should appreciate and they should... You fill in the blank there. Everything becomes so black and white and I am always the one who is being persecuted. How selfish and self-centered am I really? How in the world can I stand myself?
So today here is where I am. I am the problem, and God is the solution. I can't change this defect in my character because He knows that I have tried and tried really hard, some days at least. Again it comes back to having a right relationship to Him. Once I get that right He is faithful and good. He will have mercy on me and He will will fulfill His purpose for me. His purpose not mine. So again it is back to letting go. I must let go of everything and follow Him.
This is where I am today.
Friday, May 27, 2011
I am having a nice little battle with myself this morning. I really want to rebel and just do things my own way instead of letting God take care of them. It is hard to focus my thoughts on what He wants me to do and His will in my life. I am praying constantly for peace, compassion for others, and understanding. Also I am praying that His will be done in my life.
It seems that I have to give up my habits and hurts every moment of the day today. I really want to pick up where I left off a few days ago and just rage and find something to numb all the feelings that I am having. I know that this is not an option so I am just walking through it today.
I am focusing on the positive because I know that I can do all things through God who strengthens me. I know that He is there and all I have to do is let Him do it. Again I am praying that He would take it all. All my burdens, addictions, and hurts away from me.
So for today this is where I am. I am giving it all up to Him and letting Him carry the load and give me peace.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
This is definitely a ditch that I have found myself in. However, I know that God is going to help me get out of it. I know this because I have asked Him to and He is faithful and good. I keep asking Him to help me and when I do that peace that surpasses all understanding takes over and I am able to go on for a little longer in my day.
My realization is that I am an alcoholic. I didn't think that I was because I don't drink all the time and I have stopped drinking before completely, for awhile. But when things become unmanageable in my life I find myself drinking to numb the pain and sometimes I do it to "show someone else." Today I am going to a meeting. I have been going to Celebrate Recovery for awhile, but this has been for my codependency, anger, and control issues. I feel today that maybe alcoholism could be the root of all my issues.
So today I am admitting that I have a problem and that I am powerless over changing it. I am praying constantly because He says that I should rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances because this is God's will for me. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
So that's where I am today. I am rejoicing that I am able to see clearly that I do indeed have a problem. I am praying continually for God's help, guidance and peace in getting help to deal with my problem. And I am giving thanks that I have someone in my life who loves me enough to tell me the truth and help me to recognize the truth in me.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
This new road definitely has twists and turns. I sometimes find myself thrown off into a ditch next to one of the especially sharp curves. This is when it is the toughest for me to turn to God for help. The first thing on my mind is how am I going to climb up out of the ditch and get on with my life. How am I going to fix it? And if it has anything to do with someone else, how am I going to fix them?
Today when I found myself in a ditch on the side of my road I tried something new. Something that I have always said you should do, but I realize I have never really done it. I talked to God. I ask Him to help me up out of the ditch. And do you know what happened? He did!
The moment after I asked for God to help me I felt that peace that surpasses all understanding. That peace only God can give you. You can't do anything to create this kind of peace. Then I prayed for the peace to stay and comfort me. He makes me lie down in green pastures...His rod and His staff they comfort me. Praise the Lord for peace!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
There is one aspect of today that I really want to write about. I have to document this for the future. I need to give my parents more credit. Everyone struggles with a degree of control I think, but I certainly got my fair share of control issues. My parents and I haven't always gotten along or seen eye to eye. But today I asked for help.
Well they did not refuse to help. My mom listened and gave her opinion, but never tried to control me or manipulate me. This is progress for both of us. I ask my mom to do something and she did it and very close to how I really really wanted it.
So I want to say that mom, thank you for helping me, and being there when I call.
One last thing, scripture:
Have mercy on me O God have mercy on me for in you my soul takes refuge I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.
I am taking refuge tonight and waiting for that disaster topass. :)
Monday, May 23, 2011
But this weekend I had a realization. I went to an amusement park for the first time in many years. I had a blast. I rode the roller coasters and a water ride, and made some wonderful memories.
When we were waiting in line for one of the rides I got really nervous. Almost irrationally nervous and the worrying began to overwhelm me. I kept telling myself it has to be safe or they wouldn't let people ride it...right? I worried how I would feel during the ride, I worried how I would feel after the ride, I worried what if I can't do it, and on and on.
Then it was our turn to ride the ride. All these bells start going off in my head...CRAP! It was really time for me to take that step and get on the ride. So I did. I put the worry aside momentarily and got on the ride. Then the ride started and I realized as everyone really does that it was not that bad. I had worried and put myself through all that stress for absolutely nothing.
Then we went to another ride and it seemed much scarier than the other ride and I went through the process all over again. You would think I had learned my lesson the last one. But I hadn't and I stressed until the moment the ride started. Then the same thing happened to me. I realized it was just fun and not that scary at all.
This is a lot like life I think. I worry and worry and worry about all the things that could happen or that I wish would happen. I occupy my mind with all these thoughts of what if. When all that is required of me is to take that step of faith and get on the ride and everything will be just fine. Worrying didn't change what the ride was like, but it did change my experience. I enjoyed myself, but I spent a lot of time worrying and distancing myself from the events of the day because of my worry.
What God wants is for me to take the step of faith, and to let him take care of the rest. So for today that is what I am doing. I am putting worry aside and taking that step knowing that no matter how scary the ride looks it is not half as bad as I have made it out to be, and just like this weekend I don't have to do it alone.
Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself, today has enough troubles of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
Friday, May 20, 2011
This morning I was driving to work, late as usual. I can't seem to make anywhere on time anymore. This used to drive me CRAZY when other people did it and it drives me CRAZY that I do it, but I can't seem to get it under control. BUT...I digress. :)
I was driving to work and I was thinking about all this stuff I have been focusing on this week and the day before me. I was thinking about how I had to let go of all the stuff that had kept me sick for so long. I was thinking about rebellion and how I really wanted to rebel and say "No it's mine I NEED it!"
Then out of the blue I had my "I get it moment". The story of the rich man talking to Jesus came to my mind. I don't remember what book it is in I think Matthew, but the message was more important to me than finding the scripture.
In the story the rich man asks Jesus, I want to follow you, what do I need to do to follow you. Jesus tells him give away everything and come follow me. The rich man says to him, everything? And Jesus knows he doesn't really want to follow Him.
So my I get it moment was when it hit me...I have to give it ALL up. All my life I have focused on this being all my worldly possessions, and I think that is always the message I have heard when it is taught in church, or at least that is what I focused on. But today I realized I must give up everything. Everything that keeps me from Him.
So for today I am giving it up. I give up all that I have held so dear for so long because I want to follow Him, serve Him, and walk with Him in faith.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The thoughts that race keep me sick. They keep me in this pattern of self-hate and self-destruction. Those thoughts feed my addiction to chaos and control. I am unable to control the urge to create chaos in order to control everyone around me all the time. When things are good I have to cause chaos I cannot stop myself no matter how hard I try.
For today I am trying to be quiet inside myself. To experience the peace that transcends all understanding that only God can produce in my life.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
However, when I am in the valley I have a very hard time finding things to be thankful for. Even the big things seem to escape me. I am called to pray without ceasing and to give thanksgiving to the Lord. This doesn't just mean when I am on the mountain top looking down on the valley, but in the depths of the valley as well. When I am in the deep dark pit of the valley it is the hardest to look up and see that God is there pulling me out of that place. And it is equally hard, if not harder to be thankful that He is there pushing and pulling me up onto the mountain.
He works for my good behind the scenes and in places when I am not even aware that He is working. I have heard this over and over so I "should" be thankful for all that He does for me. So today where I am is trying to find big and little things to be thankful for. Here is my list so far for today:
- my kids
- my recovery
- someone who loves me more than i can comprehend
- a few really good friends
- the sun and all its warmth that it brings to my life
- my roses
- my health
- beautiful trees
- my job
- food to eat
- nature and all of its beauty
- that smell my kids have when they wake up
- that moment right when the sun breaks through the clouds in the morning
- twilight right before the sun sets
- the smell of food that welcomes me home
So maybe I can go on and on. And maybe just maybe I should make this list everyday to remind me of all the things I truly have to be thankful for.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
All these things I know but doing them is a different story. I can’t ever seem to wrap my head around surrender. Everyone talks about the sweetness of surrender. They talk about how surrendering will bring peace and joy to your soul.
Surrendering has never been a part of my vocabulary. But my vocabulary does include words like rebellion, rage, self-hate, self-destruction, chaos, codependency, and anxiety. How does someone like me surrender? If I surrender I have to give up what makes me feel secure and what helps get me through the day. I have to have a hit off of what makes me high.
So how do I surrender? How do I let go of all that I have held so dear for so long? How do I get past the anxiety of things changing?
I admit that I can’t do it. I am not strong enough to make myself better. I am not strong enough to give up the addiction that has kept me high for all these years. I surrender sweetly.
This blog is going to document this new adventure. My new adventure is very spiritual. I hope that if you are reading that you will follow me down this road and see where it leads.