As a Christian I know that if I surrender to the will of God my life will be better. If I cast my cares upon the Lord then He can handle them and I don’t have to worry or have anxiety about my life. I can live in victory.
All these things I know but doing them is a different story. I can’t ever seem to wrap my head around surrender. Everyone talks about the sweetness of surrender. They talk about how surrendering will bring peace and joy to your soul.
Surrendering has never been a part of my vocabulary. But my vocabulary does include words like rebellion, rage, self-hate, self-destruction, chaos, codependency, and anxiety. How does someone like me surrender? If I surrender I have to give up what makes me feel secure and what helps get me through the day. I have to have a hit off of what makes me high.
So how do I surrender? How do I let go of all that I have held so dear for so long? How do I get past the anxiety of things changing?
I admit that I can’t do it. I am not strong enough to make myself better. I am not strong enough to give up the addiction that has kept me high for all these years. I surrender sweetly.