Thursday, June 30, 2011

God's Will...not my will...

I have spent many years trying to figure out how to live in God's will. What does it look like? How do you know you are doing it right? What is your hard evidence that you ARE living in God's will?

I have always wanted someone to write "The Practical Guide for Living in God's Will," and charge me ten dollars and have a Bible study to help me figure it out. If I could just get the blueprints and the rules on how to do it I would live in God's will forever. I mean who doesn't want to live in God's will forever. That's what I have been striving for all these years because everyone I know tells me that it will make life better, and He knows that my life needs to be better.

So no one has really written a practical guide as of yet, at least not one I can understand and implement. There have been many Bible studies that have touched on the subject, but what I felt like I really needed was a road map. One that showed me just how to do it because I really had no clue. I liked to pretend that I did. I tried to talk the talk but it was obvious to me that I wasn't walking the walk. I kept telling myself however that if someone would just show me how, in a way that I could comprehend I would do it. It is what I REALLY wanted after all so why wouldn't I do it.

What I have come to realize today is that living in God's will is not really what I wanted. I wanted to live in my will and consult God when it was convenient and have Him bless me with all the things that I wanted, and endorse all the decisions that I made as the right ones. A sort of grandma/Santa Claus of sorts.

I have recently been experiencing living in God's will. I am here to tell you that it is not always easy or fun, but it is the best my life has ever been. Giving up my will is at the very least a daily struggle for me. Some days it is an hourly or minute by minute struggle. I am starting to recognize when I fall out of God's will and into my own. It is hard to get back into His will when I take the reins and have gotten into mine. This is not because He makes it hard, but because I make it hard for me. All I really need to do is pause for a moment.

One thing I am trying to remember is to pause. Pause when I come into new situations throughout my day. Pause before I speak. Definitely pause before I take action. When I pause I need to take an action that will help me stay in God's will. This action for me is prayer. I have come to realize that the act of prayer is not one sided. I must talk with God and and tell him what's going on with me and ask for his help, direction, and will. I also need to listen. I must try to get quiet even if only for a moment and listen. He will place the next right thing in front of me, I only need to seek it.

Today I am getting back into God's will for my life. I am taking time to reflect on my daily reading, praying, talking, and listening to other alcoholics. I have a solution today I just need to use it to solve my spiritual problem.

Monday, June 27, 2011


Now that my mind is really becoming much clearer I make realizations sometimes as quickly as moment to moment. Here are a few that I have discovered in the last couple of days.

I am more aware of when I am not being honest. This is not something I generally thought about or made myself aware of in the past. I never realized it before but it was really my standard operating procedure to be dishonest. I am also aware that when I am dishonest a lot of the time there really is no reason for it. If someone I care about asks me how I am doing my first response doesn't have to be "okay, good, or great". I can actually do a little personal check and am I really doing? Then I can choose to be honest with that person or not. What I have found though is that when I am honest it usually works out for the best for me and the other person. So maybe honesty is the best policy after all? HMMM...

Another realization I have made is that maybe, just maybe I don't know everything. WOW...this is a hard one for me. Maybe there is a chance that if I let someone actually answer a question that I have asked instead of answering the question myself I might learn something. Or better yet I might just have a conversation with someone. Having an adult conversation with someone is a very new thing for me and I am not sure that I am doing all that well still.

Here is the last one for today. This really goes along with the previous realization, but I feel they deserve a separate paragraphs. I am not in control of anything except how I react to something, and when I am trying to control something I am in fear. Letting go of the fear of not being in control and knowing every damn thing is hard but every day I feel like I am getting a little better and the progress is what is important.

So here I sit with these realizations today. Some of the feelings that go with these are easy and some are not. No matter how difficult they are to deal with today I honestly, don't feel the need to change them with mind altering chemicals.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A power greater than myself....

Is there a power greater than myself? I mean really have I come to believe there is a power greater than myself? Because so far I have made myself pretty damn powerful. I control everything in my life. I have decided every damn thing without really a thought to anyone else.

People have said to me..."You are self-centered!" I have said what the hell are you talking about? I think about everyone before I think about myself. I do what everyone else needs before I do what I need. I have tried to please every damn person in my life. I have bent this way and that become this person or that person just to make you happy. How can you say I am self-centered?

Okay so upon further self-examination I have come to realize that maybe just maybe I have had it wrong or at the very least skewed my thinking to reflect what I wanted to see. I want to say right here and now that I am self-centered or at least I have been. Because here is what I have realized today. If I am not God centered, then I am self-centered.

If I am not focusing on the power that is greater than me I am only focusing on me. I am only focusing on me and what I can get out of life. EVEN if I do something nice for you and I place your needs above mine I am still being self-centered because I am doing it out of a self serving purpose. I am doing it because maybe one day, in the not so distant future, YOU will do it for me too. YOU will put my needs above yours and I will feel like you REALLY care and I will get MY needs met that way. That is complete bullshit, really.

When I force myself to look at things in this manner I realize that I have not been honest with myself or others in a very long time. So today I am focusing on finding that power greater than myself. I am going to call Him God and He will be in control. He is powerful, He is big enough for all my shit.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


So this is where I am today. I find myself working so hard to figure shit out. I think and think and think about shit and wonder why the answer is not coming to me. I am a smart girl, right? Everyone has always told me I am smart that I have a good solid head on my shoulders. Everyone CAN'T be wrong can they?

Outwardly I am self-effacing. I try to appear that I have humility about the good qualities about myself. If you give me a compliment I am going to discount it with my mouth, but I am going to take it in and puff my ego up. Here is the really interesting thing about this, though. I then take it in my mind after I have puffed myself up and use it to turn around and tear myself down at the exact same time. When I look at this I realize how completely ridiculous this is. Then I start to analyze. OH MY GOD do I analyze my shit all the time. Constantly analyzing. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? What can I do differently next time? Why didn't it work the last time I tried to change __________? (you fill it in because I have tried so fing hard to try and change things about myself anything you can come up with will probably fit right there.)

So why do I do this ridiculous shit all the time. It is an insane pattern that I have created and repeat all the time. HMMMMM.........there I go thinking about my shit again.

In my reading this morning and talking with another alcoholic I have come to a couple of realizations. The first and foremost is that I THINK TOO DAMN MUCH! I am always thinking about everything and I need to stop. The other is that I rely on myself to come up with all the answers since I am such a good thinker.

I realized that I have always shut God out of my life with my self-reliance. Now this is not a completely new realization. I have known I was shutting God out of my life for quite some time now. However, I have not known exactly how I was doing this and I certainly didn't know how to change it.

Today I can say that I have had this realization, AND I don't know exactly how to change it. What I have come to accept is that I am not God. I DON'T know everything and I DON'T have all the answers. I have also come to accept that MAYBE there is an answer out there. MAYBE I can shut up long enough to let someone with some experience with this shit give me some direction, if I ask for it that is. This is today and right at this moment. I also realize that I have a disease, and my self-reliance is part of my disease. So when I decide later today that I am God again maybe just maybe I will give myself a little break. Maybe I can pause and pray for direction and turn whatever it is over to God again. Progress not perfection as some wise people keep reminding me.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Fear is paralyzing. Fear makes me want to hide. Fear makes me want to return to my old life. Fear can make me want to drink.

I am experiencing a lot of fear today. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear that I will lose my children. Fear that I will lose anything that I think I might have. Fear that I won't be able to find a job. And on and on and on....

I could list every single fear I have but it would take me all day. Today my most prevalent fears are of losing. I am afraid of losing all the things in my life that I have held so dear for so long.

Remember that "I got it" moment that I had a few weeks ago? Well apparently I didn't really get it. I thought I knew what it meant to give it all away, but today I am experiencing a new depth to that statement.

I had my purse stolen a couple of days ago. Some of the things I did have left from my old life were in that purse. My parents had given me some money to see me through and change over my teacher certification, and the thirty minutes between my purse being stolen and when I reported it the thieves spent all of what I did have. However, the bank will be refunding the charges that I didn't make. My wedding rings were in there and a necklace that had some special significance to me. These are now gone forever. I hadn't worn my wedding rings in months, but I was going to save them for the kids if they wanted them. The necklace I had taken off because I was going to the lake and I didn't want it to get nasty. It is gone. All my identification was in the purse too. I will now have to get a new driver's license and social security card. But mostly what is gone are some of the last traces of my old life.

The conclusion that I have come to today about all this is that God knows I have to lose it all in order to rely on Him. He has got to strip it all away for me to say okay Lord I really do surrender to you because I have no other choice. He is not punishing me, I am simply being given the chance to surrender to His will. I could take the reins here and make some things happen in my will, but why? I mean really I am working on giving up my will for His so why not use this all to my advantage.

Even though I see this and I feel God working in my life I am still afraid. I want to let go with complete abandon I am just so afraid that I am paralyzed with fear.

So here is where I am right now. I am praying that God will calm the storm within me. That He take control of my life and that I can get out of the way long enough for His will to be done in my life.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


I am thinking about resentments today. I realize that I have lots and lots of resentments that have occurred over my life. I am praying today to be rid of a couple. This is hard to do because I am not praying for myself to get over it but for the person I resent to have everything I always wanted for myself.

This is very difficult for me. Almost the very last thing I want for the person I hold resentments toward is good things. I hate to admit this but it is true. However, on the other end of that I want people who have resentments towards me to let them go and give me a break. This is not selfish and self-centered...RIGHT?????

Okay so today I am praying and praying and praying. It is nice to have an action to take to help me get rid of these resentments that are eating me alive on the inside. That's all I have got today. :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011


Change is not easy. Change is so uncomfortable. But change can be good. We can find peace in change, right?

So I made a decision and made a change. I took a step out in faith, quite possibly the first real step in faith I have ever taken. I am scared to death but I feel it was the best possible choice I could have made considering the situation.

I am not going into specifics here because that is not what this blog is about. It is about where I am and how I am doing in my recovery. And I am here sober today because of the grace of God. I felt yesterday I had but three choices I could make. Choice one...drink myself into a stupor. Choice two...end my life. Or choice three....leave. I chose number three. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My children were crying and I was crying, but in the end I put my car in drive and started driving to someplace that might actually save my life. And saving my life at the moment is THE single most important thing I can do.

In getting honest with myself I found that if I stayed where I was I was going to drink. It was just a matter of time. I could feel it like a ticking time bomb in my head. Everyday was a struggle to not drink to change my feelings about my situation. So finally I had had enough of the struggle and gave into God's will. He has brought me to this place. And I mean the place I am in spiritually. He gave me the strength which enabled me to make the change I needed to make.

This is all God. In saying that it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. It doesn't make me doubt myself any less. But when I start doing these things all I need to do to make the situation better is pray. Pray, pray, pray. I have a strange peace about it all. Again with the peace. I will never get tired of telling everyone about the peace I experience on a moment to moment basis.

So for today I am living in my change. I am walking through it and holding onto my ass and staying sober. I have a lot of people who are willing to love me and help me if I only give them a chance.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Walking through it

Feelings and perspective are what I am thinking about today. I am selfish and self-centered. This is a fact and can make me lose all perspective about situations and the people around me that I care about.

I have spent so long letting anger and drinking take care of my feelings. If I could just get angry enough I wouldn't have to feel anything including the hurt I had caused others. If the anger didn't work I would just wait until things had built up enough and then go have "a drink". That one drink that seemed so harmless, just blowing off steam, always turned into so much more for me. I used to say to myself it was helping me feel and walk through the things that hurt so much in my life, but the reality of it is that it didn't ever help me at all it only caused me more problems.

I have some profound sadness today. It started yesterday at some point and built to a fever pitch last night. I got to where I just couldn't function. I had to hide and cry. I didn't handle it well. And the people that I have put on a pedestal and held to some standard that even God couldn't adhere to let me down again...SURPRISE. I don't know why I was surprised. I don't know why I continue to be surprised when I do the same things and I get the same shit back in return. REALLY????

Okay so I am giving all this to God again today. This is the way I see it right now, I am going to have to give everything to Him every day. Is everyone like this or am I unique? Well I have learned that when I start to think I am unique that I am not. That is the furthest thing from the truth. So I guess everyone has to surrender themselves to God everyday if they want His will to be done in their life.

Today I feel like I am making progress. I didn't drink last night when I really wanted to change my feelings. I walked through it. Actually, I am still walking through it, but I think it will get better. I have hope that by walking through it I can learn from it and grow and come out on the other side. I also know that He is with me and He is carrying me. I feel like I am walking but the truth of the matter is that He is carrying me because this is something that I do not have the power to do on my own. Once I give it all up each day I receive that peace that surpasses all understanding and I am able to be quiet within my soul. But as soon as I take it back I am not peaceful anymore. I am not sure how to describe how I feel, but it is definitely not peaceful.

So for today I am going to focus on giving up and letting God take it. He is big enough. He can handle it. He doesn't need my help, I need His. I know I am blessed and I know things are getting better. They are not comfortable and they are not rainbows and butterflies, but they are slowly getting better because I am slowly surrendering and feeling.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Never enough

It seems that it is never enough for me. I am not sure if it is my disease or just a serious character defect, but no matter what happens it is NEVER enough.

This morning I decided to listen to a CD that I hadn't listened to in quite awhile. I had gotten a comment from my friend Nicole on FB and it made me think of the time we went to see Third Day and Switchfoot together. Then a couple of days after the concert she gave me a few CD's that she had made and one was a Third Day CD. This CD has always lifted me up, and always makes me think of her. She has had strength for me when I didn't have it for myself.

So I was listening to the CD in the car to my meeting and to work. The song I heard on the way to the meeting was talking about how all the signs and wonders would never be enough to prove to some people that Jesus was real. WOW. You know what I just might be able to identify with the message of that song...maybe just a little bit.

Then the message in my meeting this morning was that it is never enough. We work and get to a point where we are doing well then we just start to coast. Then we get back to that self-centered attitude that shuts out all the sunlight of God, and gets us irritable and we start complaining about what we don't have instead of thanking Him for what we do.

As everyone is sharing about this I am listening and reflecting on me. I so do this, in fact just yesterday I did it in a big way, but even this morning I was doing it in small little ways. Yesterday, Edward asked me why I read God's word if I didn't really want to let go and let Him take control of my life. My first response was defensive. Well I do want Him to take control and give me good things in my life. BUT only when I want Him to and HOW I want Him to do it.

Yesterday as I said is a prime example of this. I asked God to help me change my situation. That I was turning everything over to Him and His care. I wanted His will to be done. Then I found out that I didn't need to take another certification test to be certified to teach in Oklahoma, this is a blessing. Then I had a conflict with a co-worker that I was able to work through on my own and let go of, I had all but forgot it by the end of the day. Those of you who know me, know that this in and of itself HAS to be GOD, because I hold on to absolutely everything. Then I had a very peaceful day. Nothing bad, nothing extremely good, just peaceful and good. Even when I got home at first I was very peaceful. I tried to screw it up, but it wasn't that bad really.

Instead of praising and thanking God for what He had done in my life that day, I was upset because I was peaceful and reasonably happy. All the things He had done for me, and it still wasn't enough for me to be thankful. Again, how selfish and self-centered am I really?

So today, I am turning it all over to God again. I don't want to take it back from Him, but I probably will. I am thankful I have people praying for me. And I am truly thankful for everything God is doing in my life. I could never do any of this by myself.

Monday, June 6, 2011

When did it all start to unravel?

When did my life begin to unravel? Was it one little thread I started pulling at and playing with or was it a big hole that gradually got larger and larger?

Well that is a pretty tough question really. I can see that the current circumstances that I am dealing with started with a little thread that I began to pull. However, the rabbit hole goes way deeper than that. The little thread began to be pulled a long time ago.

In reflecting over the last twelve days I have really taken a closer look at me. Who am I? How did I get here? With help from another alcoholic I realized that I have been drinking to change my feelings since I was thirteen. Just a little here and there at first then full blown drunk at least once a week for many years. Then dry for awhile, then right back at it. This was my pattern for a long time, actually as long as I can remember.

My current circumstances are what brought me to this wall that I have hit, but it is simply one more set of circumstances that I have created to keep me sick in my disease. I have hit a brick wall. I can't get over this wall, go under it, or go through it. I will stay here until I decide to let go of my control and let God take over.

So here I am today with my life in front of me and my spiritual death behind me. My drinking has kept me dead spiritually. I have played at it for so long. Honesty is a bitch. She is there right in my face telling me the truth and I do not want to hear it, but I have to hear it or I am going to die. I am going to die completely spiritually, and physically very soon. Some symptom of alcohol will kill me. This is the honest truth. Time to face it.

So today I am admitting that I have a problem and that I am powerless over this problem and my life has become COMPLETELY unmanageable. I am not the director of this play called life. I am only a player.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Trying to do something different....

Tonight I am trying to do something different. I don't know if it is working or not, but I am not drinking. That is about as good as it gets right now. I really want to change my feelings with alcohol right now, but I am not. I am trying to feel....just feel.

So here goes I am going to feel and if you are reading I guess you get to hear about it. Thanks for letting me feel and listening to my shit. :)

I am feeling tired...It was a really good day, but exhausting.
I am feeling agitated....I am not sure of the exact cause of the agitation except that I am tired.
I am feeling sad...I am grieving the loss of my best friend and confidant today as I have the last eleven days.
I am feeling mad....I said some things I should not have said and hurt some people I wish I hadn't, and now it can't be taken back.
I am feeling sad....I am grieving so many things that it is hard to move past this feeling.

Alright...that's not all of them but its most of the negative feelings I am feeling right now. NOW I am going to try and see if I can list as many positive feelings to go with these. This is different for me. I usually wallow but I am trying not to do that and I am moved to do this.

I am feeling humbled....I don't know everything and that is okay.
I am feeling inspired...I want to write and create something someone will read.
I am feeling kids are becoming caring people despite anything I might have tried to do.
I am feeling loved...I have two beautiful children who love me, a man that loves me, parents that love me, cousins who love me, aunts and uncles who love me, and sometimes best of all friends who love me for who I am.
I am feeling hopeful...there is something big on the horizon and I am pretty sure its not an oncoming train...I couldn't have said that eleven days ago.
I am feeling spiritual...I am getting ready to do my prayer and meditation time before I go to sleep and I know God will be there to sit with me while I surrender to Him again.
I am feeling moved...I am trying to have a real relationship with someone and he actually gets me...really gets me like no one else.
I am feeling responsible....I am keeping up with my responsibilities the best that I can.

So that is five negative emotions counteracted with eight positive emotions. Now where am I gonna choose to focus today...tonight? I am going to surrender and ask God help me to focus on those positive feelings instead of negative ones.

So today I am surrendering again. God's will...Thy will be done on earth as it is heaven.
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Friday, June 3, 2011

Just when you think....

Just when you start to know what maybe I am not an alcoholic after just comes back and punches you right in the face.

So I was feeling pretty good today. Very positive day. I woke up and went to my 7am meeting to start my day. It was a good meeting. Then I went to work and had a staff meeting to go to and that was pretty good. Nothing really big there. My 11am client no showed so I was able to go to the noon meeting. On the way to the meeting I got to talk to an old friend I hadn't talked to in at least a year. The noon meeting was good. I saw a friend I made the other night and talked with her a few minutes. Then I went back to work and finished my day at that office, and then I left to go to Bonham to see my last client of the day. I talked to Edward on my way and he had some very positive things to say to me. I got to Bonham and my client wasn't home, but I wasn't upset I just left and started my drive home. Stopped and got food and gas...gas was only 3.49 so that was quite awesome....then I got home. All the wheels came off my little happy apple cart when I walked through the door.

I know you are probably asking why? Well I will tell you that it probably has SOMETHING to do with the fact that I have A LOT of anger and resentment all tied up in this place. No one did anything or said anything to piss me off...I just got pissed off. I laid down because I was tired and I hadn't planned on going to the 6pm meeting tonight. So I thought that I would take a little nap and then I would feel better. Well I couldn't sleep at all.

I laid on my bed looking at the wall. Getting angrier and angrier as I laid there. I started praying. Of course I am praying the serenity prayer and really only for myself. I am not praying for anyone else in the house. I am being selfish and self-centered AGAIN...big surprise. So the enemy is talking to me....Why don't you just go have a drink? I mean what would it really hurt to have one drink? You deserve a drink it is Friday after all and you worked hard all week. Just one won't really hurt you. You can get that chip again tomorrow and tonight you will feel better. This will make you feel better.

I suddenly find myself in those old thought patterns that I love so much. So I got up and put my shoes on. I walked out of the house without saying a word to anyone, for fear of what would come out of my mouth. And I drove to the 6pm meeting. Not to a bar, not to the store, but to a meeting. Progress people...this is what I am talking about here. I sat in the meeting and I shared. I talked to my sponsor after the meeting and a couple of other women. Found out there is a meeting in the little town that I live in I didn't know about. STILL I am fing angry. I mean so angry I can't see straight. I want to either drink or punch someone or something. I talk to Edward again and then I start to really calm down. Okay maybe I am okay. Maybe I can handle my shit for a little while longer tonight. Maybe just maybe I can go back in my house and walk through the shit and feel the feelings. I don't want to. I think it is so damn hard. But I get out of my car and walk in.

I feel okay because I know that I didn't say anything that I would regret to anyone. I just left which was probably not the "right" thing to do, but I didn't scream at anyone or say any hurtful things to anyone. I ate my dinner, took a shower and now I am writing. Progress not perfection, right?

So here is where I am right now, this moment. I still need God, I still need AA, and I am still an alcoholic, nothing has changed with those things. But there was a little change in me. I recognized I couldn't do it by myself so I sought help. Not perfection...but lots of progress.


So before and after yesterday's post I got feedback from people who care about me. Feedback I truly needed. The person I love is always honest with me and it is not always comfortable, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It is what I truly love about him. I got a sponsor finally and my friend Mary sent me a comment on the post. I am so grateful for the feedback. Also I prayed...what a concept...ask God for help.

So I prayed and I prayed and I prayed some more. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision because I REALLY desire to do the next right thing. I just really wasn't sure what it was.

In the midst of praying I think about maybe taking my daughter or someone else so that maybe I won't drink. When I decide that Emily might have a good time I get a peace that I just don't understand. Every time it hits me I am amazed by the whole thing.

I tell Jeannie I think this is a good idea and I tell her I can go but I can't drink. I also ask her to not drink as well. She does agree to not drink and she kept her promise. I didn't drink and it was so fun to see Emily enjoy the concert. I had so much peace the whole time that I didn't even desire to drink. That was just for one night though. I am going to keep myself out of those situations from now least until I get some recovery time...I don't want to run the risk of falling.

Mostly what I am taking out of this whole situation is that God will answer me and if I am listening He will give me some kind of answer. If I ask for His will to be done then get out of the way it will be done in my life. I am not saying this is easy or that I will do it even 50% of the time, but yesterday I did, and today I am doing my best. Today I don't want to drink to numb the pain and that is all I can really ask for.

I am really grateful, and thankful for the fellowship of other alcoholics. Without it I would be lost and drinking myself into the ground. I am also thankful for the fellowship of all the people who care about me. Since I have gotten honest, people I thought didn't like me or whatever have started to give me support. I have realized that it was me who pushed all those people out of my life with my dishonesty and isolating. I am so thankful for all the support I have gotten from everyone in my life.

So today I am thankful and I have peace. Being sober is priceless. I am doing whatever I have to do to keep it.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Let's get honest...

Honesty is the best policy. Being honest is always better than being dishonest. Lying never got anyone out of trouble....BLAH BLAH BLAH!

So today I am having to get honest with myself and ACTUALLY surrender. I don't know if I can explain it so that you fully comprehend but this is f*ckin hard. This is probably the hardest day I have had since I decided not to drink.

Back in December I bought tickets to Lady Antebellum for Jeannie for Christmas. I bought three of them so she, Chris, and I could go. The original date for the concert was in February. Well we had a blizzard in Oklahoma so the concert was rescheduled. It was rescheduled for June 2nd. Hey what is today? June 2nd.

Well, I have been trying to make a real decision about whether or not I should actually go to the concert tonight or not since Sunday. This little nagging voice in my head has been telling me that it might not be the best idea that I have come up with today. That maybe hanging out with the person I liked to go drinking with somewhere there was going to be drinking just might not be the best thing for my new found sobriety.

However this other voice which is consequently LOUDER than the other voice is telling me I GOT THIS....I won't drink...I can just have a good time....think of all the good times you will miss and everyone will be talking about how fun it is and you will be left don't want to be left out do you? I mean do you????

Okay so if I get honest with myself I know who belongs to each voice....quiet...GOD....LOUD...devil/enemy. So the question is who am I going to listen to? Am I willing to trade my sobriety for a couple hours of fun? Am I willing to take that chance? hmmmm....

As easy as it seems to answer that question...the follow through is the hard part. That's where I am RIGHT NOW. I am sure there will be another post today. :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


So my meeting this morning was about attitude. Attitude is everything. An attitude of gratitude. Here is what goes off in my mind when I hear this sh*t...WHATEVER! I know these things, but they still piss me off when I hear them.

So I reflected during the meeting about this feeling. I felt my blood pressure rising and I felt myself getting VERY angry. I didn't want to share because everyone was talking about how great their attitude was and how thankful they were for where they are now and I was afraid of what I might say. So I sat.

I sat until the end of the meeting and listened. I am finding that maybe if I shut up and listen more I might actually get something out of what other people are saying....what a concept, right?

At the end of the meeting I asked if I could share real quick before it was over. God had worked on my heart and given me something of some value to share.

I shared that I had the attitude that I would do anything to stay sober. Including going to three meetings yesterday, and staying for a meeting this morning that had nothing but men in it. It wasn't a men's meeting but that's all that showed up. I was very intimidated when I walked in, but I did it and they were all very nice to me and made me feel welcome, but not too welcome if you know what I mean.

So where I am today is that attitude matters. And if I could find an attitude of gratitude things would be better. And that attitude is everything. Damn those fing cliche's.