Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Walking through it

Feelings and perspective are what I am thinking about today. I am selfish and self-centered. This is a fact and can make me lose all perspective about situations and the people around me that I care about.

I have spent so long letting anger and drinking take care of my feelings. If I could just get angry enough I wouldn't have to feel anything including the hurt I had caused others. If the anger didn't work I would just wait until things had built up enough and then go have "a drink". That one drink that seemed so harmless, just blowing off steam, always turned into so much more for me. I used to say to myself it was helping me feel and walk through the things that hurt so much in my life, but the reality of it is that it didn't ever help me at all it only caused me more problems.

I have some profound sadness today. It started yesterday at some point and built to a fever pitch last night. I got to where I just couldn't function. I had to hide and cry. I didn't handle it well. And the people that I have put on a pedestal and held to some standard that even God couldn't adhere to let me down again...SURPRISE. I don't know why I was surprised. I don't know why I continue to be surprised when I do the same things and I get the same shit back in return. REALLY????

Okay so I am giving all this to God again today. This is the way I see it right now, I am going to have to give everything to Him every day. Is everyone like this or am I unique? Well I have learned that when I start to think I am unique that I am not. That is the furthest thing from the truth. So I guess everyone has to surrender themselves to God everyday if they want His will to be done in their life.

Today I feel like I am making progress. I didn't drink last night when I really wanted to change my feelings. I walked through it. Actually, I am still walking through it, but I think it will get better. I have hope that by walking through it I can learn from it and grow and come out on the other side. I also know that He is with me and He is carrying me. I feel like I am walking but the truth of the matter is that He is carrying me because this is something that I do not have the power to do on my own. Once I give it all up each day I receive that peace that surpasses all understanding and I am able to be quiet within my soul. But as soon as I take it back I am not peaceful anymore. I am not sure how to describe how I feel, but it is definitely not peaceful.

So for today I am going to focus on giving up and letting God take it. He is big enough. He can handle it. He doesn't need my help, I need His. I know I am blessed and I know things are getting better. They are not comfortable and they are not rainbows and butterflies, but they are slowly getting better because I am slowly surrendering and feeling.

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