Friday, June 3, 2011

Just when you think....

Just when you start to know what maybe I am not an alcoholic after just comes back and punches you right in the face.

So I was feeling pretty good today. Very positive day. I woke up and went to my 7am meeting to start my day. It was a good meeting. Then I went to work and had a staff meeting to go to and that was pretty good. Nothing really big there. My 11am client no showed so I was able to go to the noon meeting. On the way to the meeting I got to talk to an old friend I hadn't talked to in at least a year. The noon meeting was good. I saw a friend I made the other night and talked with her a few minutes. Then I went back to work and finished my day at that office, and then I left to go to Bonham to see my last client of the day. I talked to Edward on my way and he had some very positive things to say to me. I got to Bonham and my client wasn't home, but I wasn't upset I just left and started my drive home. Stopped and got food and gas...gas was only 3.49 so that was quite awesome....then I got home. All the wheels came off my little happy apple cart when I walked through the door.

I know you are probably asking why? Well I will tell you that it probably has SOMETHING to do with the fact that I have A LOT of anger and resentment all tied up in this place. No one did anything or said anything to piss me off...I just got pissed off. I laid down because I was tired and I hadn't planned on going to the 6pm meeting tonight. So I thought that I would take a little nap and then I would feel better. Well I couldn't sleep at all.

I laid on my bed looking at the wall. Getting angrier and angrier as I laid there. I started praying. Of course I am praying the serenity prayer and really only for myself. I am not praying for anyone else in the house. I am being selfish and self-centered AGAIN...big surprise. So the enemy is talking to me....Why don't you just go have a drink? I mean what would it really hurt to have one drink? You deserve a drink it is Friday after all and you worked hard all week. Just one won't really hurt you. You can get that chip again tomorrow and tonight you will feel better. This will make you feel better.

I suddenly find myself in those old thought patterns that I love so much. So I got up and put my shoes on. I walked out of the house without saying a word to anyone, for fear of what would come out of my mouth. And I drove to the 6pm meeting. Not to a bar, not to the store, but to a meeting. Progress people...this is what I am talking about here. I sat in the meeting and I shared. I talked to my sponsor after the meeting and a couple of other women. Found out there is a meeting in the little town that I live in I didn't know about. STILL I am fing angry. I mean so angry I can't see straight. I want to either drink or punch someone or something. I talk to Edward again and then I start to really calm down. Okay maybe I am okay. Maybe I can handle my shit for a little while longer tonight. Maybe just maybe I can go back in my house and walk through the shit and feel the feelings. I don't want to. I think it is so damn hard. But I get out of my car and walk in.

I feel okay because I know that I didn't say anything that I would regret to anyone. I just left which was probably not the "right" thing to do, but I didn't scream at anyone or say any hurtful things to anyone. I ate my dinner, took a shower and now I am writing. Progress not perfection, right?

So here is where I am right now, this moment. I still need God, I still need AA, and I am still an alcoholic, nothing has changed with those things. But there was a little change in me. I recognized I couldn't do it by myself so I sought help. Not perfection...but lots of progress.

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