Tuesday, June 21, 2011


So this is where I am today. I find myself working so hard to figure shit out. I think and think and think about shit and wonder why the answer is not coming to me. I am a smart girl, right? Everyone has always told me I am smart that I have a good solid head on my shoulders. Everyone CAN'T be wrong can they?

Outwardly I am self-effacing. I try to appear that I have humility about the good qualities about myself. If you give me a compliment I am going to discount it with my mouth, but I am going to take it in and puff my ego up. Here is the really interesting thing about this, though. I then take it in my mind after I have puffed myself up and use it to turn around and tear myself down at the exact same time. When I look at this I realize how completely ridiculous this is. Then I start to analyze. OH MY GOD do I analyze my shit all the time. Constantly analyzing. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? What can I do differently next time? Why didn't it work the last time I tried to change __________? (you fill it in because I have tried so fing hard to try and change things about myself anything you can come up with will probably fit right there.)

So why do I do this ridiculous shit all the time. It is an insane pattern that I have created and repeat all the time. HMMMMM.........there I go thinking about my shit again.

In my reading this morning and talking with another alcoholic I have come to a couple of realizations. The first and foremost is that I THINK TOO DAMN MUCH! I am always thinking about everything and I need to stop. The other is that I rely on myself to come up with all the answers since I am such a good thinker.

I realized that I have always shut God out of my life with my self-reliance. Now this is not a completely new realization. I have known I was shutting God out of my life for quite some time now. However, I have not known exactly how I was doing this and I certainly didn't know how to change it.

Today I can say that I have had this realization, AND I don't know exactly how to change it. What I have come to accept is that I am not God. I DON'T know everything and I DON'T have all the answers. I have also come to accept that MAYBE there is an answer out there. MAYBE I can shut up long enough to let someone with some experience with this shit give me some direction, if I ask for it that is. This is today and right at this moment. I also realize that I have a disease, and my self-reliance is part of my disease. So when I decide later today that I am God again maybe just maybe I will give myself a little break. Maybe I can pause and pray for direction and turn whatever it is over to God again. Progress not perfection as some wise people keep reminding me.

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