Monday, June 27, 2011


Now that my mind is really becoming much clearer I make realizations sometimes as quickly as moment to moment. Here are a few that I have discovered in the last couple of days.

I am more aware of when I am not being honest. This is not something I generally thought about or made myself aware of in the past. I never realized it before but it was really my standard operating procedure to be dishonest. I am also aware that when I am dishonest a lot of the time there really is no reason for it. If someone I care about asks me how I am doing my first response doesn't have to be "okay, good, or great". I can actually do a little personal check and am I really doing? Then I can choose to be honest with that person or not. What I have found though is that when I am honest it usually works out for the best for me and the other person. So maybe honesty is the best policy after all? HMMM...

Another realization I have made is that maybe, just maybe I don't know everything. WOW...this is a hard one for me. Maybe there is a chance that if I let someone actually answer a question that I have asked instead of answering the question myself I might learn something. Or better yet I might just have a conversation with someone. Having an adult conversation with someone is a very new thing for me and I am not sure that I am doing all that well still.

Here is the last one for today. This really goes along with the previous realization, but I feel they deserve a separate paragraphs. I am not in control of anything except how I react to something, and when I am trying to control something I am in fear. Letting go of the fear of not being in control and knowing every damn thing is hard but every day I feel like I am getting a little better and the progress is what is important.

So here I sit with these realizations today. Some of the feelings that go with these are easy and some are not. No matter how difficult they are to deal with today I honestly, don't feel the need to change them with mind altering chemicals.

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