Sunday, June 5, 2011

Trying to do something different....

Tonight I am trying to do something different. I don't know if it is working or not, but I am not drinking. That is about as good as it gets right now. I really want to change my feelings with alcohol right now, but I am not. I am trying to feel....just feel.

So here goes I am going to feel and if you are reading I guess you get to hear about it. Thanks for letting me feel and listening to my shit. :)

I am feeling tired...It was a really good day, but exhausting.
I am feeling agitated....I am not sure of the exact cause of the agitation except that I am tired.
I am feeling sad...I am grieving the loss of my best friend and confidant today as I have the last eleven days.
I am feeling mad....I said some things I should not have said and hurt some people I wish I hadn't, and now it can't be taken back.
I am feeling sad....I am grieving so many things that it is hard to move past this feeling.

Alright...that's not all of them but its most of the negative feelings I am feeling right now. NOW I am going to try and see if I can list as many positive feelings to go with these. This is different for me. I usually wallow but I am trying not to do that and I am moved to do this.

I am feeling humbled....I don't know everything and that is okay.
I am feeling inspired...I want to write and create something someone will read.
I am feeling kids are becoming caring people despite anything I might have tried to do.
I am feeling loved...I have two beautiful children who love me, a man that loves me, parents that love me, cousins who love me, aunts and uncles who love me, and sometimes best of all friends who love me for who I am.
I am feeling hopeful...there is something big on the horizon and I am pretty sure its not an oncoming train...I couldn't have said that eleven days ago.
I am feeling spiritual...I am getting ready to do my prayer and meditation time before I go to sleep and I know God will be there to sit with me while I surrender to Him again.
I am feeling moved...I am trying to have a real relationship with someone and he actually gets me...really gets me like no one else.
I am feeling responsible....I am keeping up with my responsibilities the best that I can.

So that is five negative emotions counteracted with eight positive emotions. Now where am I gonna choose to focus today...tonight? I am going to surrender and ask God help me to focus on those positive feelings instead of negative ones.

So today I am surrendering again. God's will...Thy will be done on earth as it is heaven.

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