Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A power greater than myself....

Is there a power greater than myself? I mean really have I come to believe there is a power greater than myself? Because so far I have made myself pretty damn powerful. I control everything in my life. I have decided every damn thing without really a thought to anyone else.

People have said to me..."You are self-centered!" I have said what the hell are you talking about? I think about everyone before I think about myself. I do what everyone else needs before I do what I need. I have tried to please every damn person in my life. I have bent this way and that become this person or that person just to make you happy. How can you say I am self-centered?

Okay so upon further self-examination I have come to realize that maybe just maybe I have had it wrong or at the very least skewed my thinking to reflect what I wanted to see. I want to say right here and now that I am self-centered or at least I have been. Because here is what I have realized today. If I am not God centered, then I am self-centered.

If I am not focusing on the power that is greater than me I am only focusing on me. I am only focusing on me and what I can get out of life. EVEN if I do something nice for you and I place your needs above mine I am still being self-centered because I am doing it out of a self serving purpose. I am doing it because maybe one day, in the not so distant future, YOU will do it for me too. YOU will put my needs above yours and I will feel like you REALLY care and I will get MY needs met that way. That is complete bullshit, really.

When I force myself to look at things in this manner I realize that I have not been honest with myself or others in a very long time. So today I am focusing on finding that power greater than myself. I am going to call Him God and He will be in control. He is powerful, He is big enough for all my shit.

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