Monday, June 6, 2011

When did it all start to unravel?

When did my life begin to unravel? Was it one little thread I started pulling at and playing with or was it a big hole that gradually got larger and larger?

Well that is a pretty tough question really. I can see that the current circumstances that I am dealing with started with a little thread that I began to pull. However, the rabbit hole goes way deeper than that. The little thread began to be pulled a long time ago.

In reflecting over the last twelve days I have really taken a closer look at me. Who am I? How did I get here? With help from another alcoholic I realized that I have been drinking to change my feelings since I was thirteen. Just a little here and there at first then full blown drunk at least once a week for many years. Then dry for awhile, then right back at it. This was my pattern for a long time, actually as long as I can remember.

My current circumstances are what brought me to this wall that I have hit, but it is simply one more set of circumstances that I have created to keep me sick in my disease. I have hit a brick wall. I can't get over this wall, go under it, or go through it. I will stay here until I decide to let go of my control and let God take over.

So here I am today with my life in front of me and my spiritual death behind me. My drinking has kept me dead spiritually. I have played at it for so long. Honesty is a bitch. She is there right in my face telling me the truth and I do not want to hear it, but I have to hear it or I am going to die. I am going to die completely spiritually, and physically very soon. Some symptom of alcohol will kill me. This is the honest truth. Time to face it.

So today I am admitting that I have a problem and that I am powerless over this problem and my life has become COMPLETELY unmanageable. I am not the director of this play called life. I am only a player.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. I hope you are able to work it out. With faith and perseverance I am sure you can.