Now with saying this I am not wallowing in self-pity as it might seem. Actually, for once I am able to see that I am in the way and that I am the problem. It really doesn't matter what God has done for me, it is never enough. This is the way it is in all of my relationships. Since my relationship is not right with God, consequently my relationships with other people are not right.
It really doesn't matter what other people do for me I am never satisfied and it is never enough. However, the reverse, in my mind, is not true. I do everything for everyone so it should be enough and they should appreciate and they should... You fill in the blank there. Everything becomes so black and white and I am always the one who is being persecuted. How selfish and self-centered am I really? How in the world can I stand myself?
So today here is where I am. I am the problem, and God is the solution. I can't change this defect in my character because He knows that I have tried and tried really hard, some days at least. Again it comes back to having a right relationship to Him. Once I get that right He is faithful and good. He will have mercy on me and He will will fulfill His purpose for me. His purpose not mine. So again it is back to letting go. I must let go of everything and follow Him.
This is where I am today.
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