Dependence

Dependence on someone to be my everything, in the very least, results in heartache. Most of the time it results in complete and utter disaster. This type of dependence is also called co-dependence. When I depend on someone to be my everything I put them on a pedestal and have these very high expectations that they can't possibly live up to. Mostly they can't live up to them because I don't even give them the courtesy of telling them what they are. So they are trying to please me, but they have no idea what they need to do for that to happen.

Another issue that comes with this co-dependence for me is that I feel like I will never be able to live without this person. If they left my life today I wouldn't know what to do or how to go on. And if they do decide they are walking out of my life I have to pull out all the stops. And I mean all the stops. Some of these include threatening suicide, crying, pleading, begging, screaming, yelling, and so on. It is really ridiculous when I am on this side of it. However, when I am in it there is nothing more serious and real.

I was trying to figure out how to explain it to someone else the other day and this is what I came up with. Imagine you're right handed and you find out that your right arm has gangrene and it must be cut off. There is no other way for you to live except to lose this right arm, and subsequently your hand. So your choices are either cut off the arm or die. I would probably let them cut it off, but I would keep trying to sew it back on every chance I got, and at times I would honestly feel like dying was a much better option than losing the arm/hand. Also I would be whining to everyone around me about how awful it is to lose my hand and how horrible it was that it had to happen to me. I would also be begging and pleading with the arm to sew itself back on my body and not leave me so alone because I have become so dependent on it. All the while knowing full well that the arm is diseased and can be of no use to me in a healthy way anymore.

Such are my co-dependent relationships. I get into a relationship, be it romantic or friendship, and that person becomes my everything. The sun rises and sets with this person, and if anyone tries to come between me and this person I am so angry and I am defending that relationship to the bitter end. I place expectations on this person that I never take the time to tell them about, and then expect them to live up to them. When they don't live up to my expectations I get very angry and lash out and push them away. Then when they threaten to leave I am completely baffled. I mean baffled. Why would they leave? Don't they know I love them? Don't they know they are my everything? Then the whining, begging, and pleading begin. If I convince them to stay it ends for awhile only to resume the next time. If they are very serious about leaving then I resort to anger, sometimes a little mild violence, and always manipulation to get them to stay.

The relationship is all about me. Me, me, me. I never even really bother to find out what they want out of the relationship. I feel like I am very in tune with this person and I know what they want without them even telling me. So they should be the same way with me right? Well in the end it turns out that I didn't know them any better than they knew me or I knew myself. Then the relationship is over, and then I rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again.

This pattern is slowly killing me and the people around me who love me. I say slowly, but maybe some of them are dropping like flies these days.

Here is where I am today with this. I am depressed and I want to stop, but I can't. I am powerless over this pattern. I have tried and tried and tried to stop. I know I am insane and irrational, and I know that I push people away, but how in the world do I stop? I can't seem to make myself stop just by sheer willpower.

Could the answer possibly be God? God says, worship none but me. Today I am wondering if maybe just maybe I am not putting God first. Maybe I am worshipping the people around me instead of God. Maybe these people are becoming a sort of god to me so I don't need Him while they are around.

So that is where I am today.