Thursday, July 28, 2011


Accepting that things are as they should be is REALLY hard. Accepting that every situation in life is exactly the way it should be at that moment has been near impossible for me. Throughout my life I have wanted to change almost every situation that I have ever encountered. I mean almost all of them. I did not seek to accept anyone or anything as the way it should be. I have always wanted to control and manipulate all to make them do MY will. I get disgusted with myself quite frequently when I look at this. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror very often, I really never have, and it's really no big mystery as to why.

These days I am not much better. I am accepting a little more each day, but I am still a long way off from where I accept all situations as how they should be right then. I still struggle with gaining, keeping, and releasing control of stuff. I know that this idea of control is all just a big fat lie. A lie that the committee in my head has told me for years that I need, and that its obtainable. However, I still cling to this lie as if it were the life preserver keeping me alive. If I could just control everyone around me and get them to do what I want then life would be grand. So I just set about making my life about controlling others. I don't know when I made a conscious effort or decision to do this. I believe that I was probably very young. I can give you all sort of reasons and excuses as to why I am this way, but when it comes right down to it they do not matter at all. The truth is that I cannot gain control because it is not mine to have. That is a tough one to swallow. Control of people, places, and things is not mine to have, that control belongs to God, and I am not Him.

Ouch. That stings quite a bit more than I thought it was going to this morning. So as I go about my day today I am going to accept a little more of the people, places, and things that are living and working around me. I am going to accept God's will and not mine be done in a few more situations throughout my day. I am going to allow love to come in and touch me today and maybe just maybe some of it will flow out and touch someone else.

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