Yesterday I went hiking for the first time in about 10 years. I hiked and climbed up large rocks to the top of a small mountain in Oklahoma. Yes indeed there are mountains in Oklahoma. This was a very shocking fact for me to learn, but there are and they are just beautiful. It was so nice to get out of the city for the day and hike and mountain climb. What I have realized in this short time is that I really connect with God when I am outside. When I am inside with all the trappings of my world it is much harder for me to find a connection with God. It takes a lot more effort on my part to stay connected. Getting out of the house and into nature to connect really helps me to feel God and get closer to Him.
When I was hiking I got some time to think and just be quiet as well. The mountain that we climbed was fairly remote so it was very peaceful. As we climbed I reflected on some things I have been dealing with lately. I am working on my defects of character right now and they seem to be presenting themselves to me in lots of interesting ways. I pray for their removal every day, and I pray to be entirely ready to have them removed as well. This is really the hard part for me. I am not sure that I am entirely ready for some of them to be removed. This fact seems so weird to me. I mean doesn't everyone want those aspects of themselves that cause them so much grief and heartache to be removed?
I mean on some level yes I do want them all removed, but when I get honest with myself I have to admit that maybe I am not ENTIRELY ready to have all of them removed because I do still really love some of them and they serve a purpose for me. Take for example procrastination, or sloth in five syllables. Am I really ready to take care of everything at the exact moment it needs to be taken care of? Am I really willing to give up that feeling of being overwhelmed that causes people to feel bad for me? Am I really willing to let go of my alter ego that takes over when I am stressed out and overwhelmed who is not very nice to other people at all? Am I really willing to let people help me when they can and ACTUALLY ask for their help in situations that I really need to? Hmmm....I am not so sure. And this is just one of my lesser defects of character. UGH!
So anyway....back to my reflections when I was hiking. I was having a hard time keeping up when we were climbing some rocks. I was trying to keep up with someone who is at least a foot taller than me and he was just stepping from one rock to the other and seeming to have no real problem. I wanted to be the same. I wanted to step from one rock to the other with ease, but alas, I was having a good degree of difficulty doing that. The realization that I did have hands came to me. I did have some hands that could help me if I would use them. I also had a full range of body motion that would help me climb as well. I didn't have to stay upright if my legs just weren't long enough to do that. I could use all the tools that I had been given to actually climb the rocks and eventually the mountain.
This brought me to thinking about my life in general. I have been given lots of tools to put in my toolbox for recovery, which touches every aspect of my life, that I don't use. They are there just waiting for me to pick them up and use them and some of them I don't even have to pick up, like my hands, that I just have to use.
Anyway, I hadn't written for a long while and thought I would share where I am today.