This has been one of my constant companions in my life, right along with the anger that is always associated with righteous indignation. My first response is always anger. I react with anger then I take a look at what might actually be going on. I always have a good reason to be angry with everyone and everything.
Grudges that are associated with this anger and righteous indignation have become sort of like my currency. If you made me angry, and it really is just a matter of time before you do, I hold a grudge until such time that I feel like you are worthy of me letting it go. This grudge was your payment for pissing me off. The "gracious" act of letting go of the grudge is like a little debt that you owe me the next time I accidentally piss you off. You are supposed to remember how awesome I was to let go of that one grudge I had against you, and of course ignore all the other grudges I had against you for all the other shit that I was holding onto. This is such f-ed up thinking I can't even believe that I could go there. Again as I have said before how selfish am I really? Apparently I am pretty damn selfish.
Oh how my disease loves to have me dwelling in anger. I found myself dwelling in anger the last couple of days. What I am learning is that this stuff does really hurt me the most. Saying this does not mean that my anger doesn't hurt other people, and in an awful way, because it does. I have surveyed the wreckage that my anger has left behind and it is not the least bit pretty. I have continually hurt people that I genuinely love, at least the best that I know how to love them. However, in the end the anger, righteous indignation, and grudges hurt me the worst. The completely ironic thing about my anger is that I would hurt and push away the people that I wanted the closest. Then I would use that as an excuse for wallowing in self-pity, and then that self-pity would lead me to drink at you.
Definitely when I am disturbed I need to pause and think about what need I have that is not being met. I have to figure out what that little brat that is still down there is whining and screaming about now. Why is she throwing a temper tantrum?
What I have figured out about this little fit that I have been throwing is due to a decision I made to not do something. I decided that the healthiest thing for me to do was to not attend something. I based this decision on the fact that I didn't think I could keep my actions and emotions under control and it was very selfish for me to put everyone through all that. But I realized that I have been angry at someone else for "making" me make this decision. If only things were different...If only I could....If only....I am shitting in one hand and wishing in the other and I am sure you can figure out which one is filling up the fastest. The reality of all this is that I have a side of the street. My side of the street is that I MADE the decision. I didn't get to do what I wanted I chose to do the thing that was best for everyone, even myself. BUT...that little brat down deep wanted what she wanted and that was to be able to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted to make the decision and get to blame it on someone else. Well no one else is to blame, its just me. I MADE the decision and I have to find peace in the fact that I made the right decision for that circumstance.
So today I am trying to move the following thoughts to my heart....Anger is not a luxury I will ever be able to afford again. Anger will cost me my sobriety and eventually my life.
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