Is there a power greater than myself? I mean really have I come to believe there is a power greater than myself? Because so far I have made myself pretty damn powerful. I control everything in my life. I have decided every damn thing without really a thought to anyone else.
People have said to me..."You are self-centered!" I have said what the hell are you talking about? I think about everyone before I think about myself. I do what everyone else needs before I do what I need. I have tried to please every damn person in my life. I have bent this way and that become this person or that person just to make you happy. How can you say I am self-centered?
Okay so upon further self-examination I have come to realize that maybe just maybe I have had it wrong or at the very least skewed my thinking to reflect what I wanted to see. I want to say right here and now that I am self-centered or at least I have been. Because here is what I have realized today. If I am not God centered, then I am self-centered.
If I am not focusing on the power that is greater than me I am only focusing on me. I am only focusing on me and what I can get out of life. EVEN if I do something nice for you and I place your needs above mine I am still being self-centered because I am doing it out of a self serving purpose. I am doing it because maybe one day, in the not so distant future, YOU will do it for me too. YOU will put my needs above yours and I will feel like you REALLY care and I will get MY needs met that way. That is complete bullshit, really.
When I force myself to look at things in this manner I realize that I have not been honest with myself or others in a very long time. So today I am focusing on finding that power greater than myself. I am going to call Him God and He will be in control. He is powerful, He is big enough for all my shit.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Self-reliance
So this is where I am today. I find myself working so hard to figure shit out. I think and think and think about shit and wonder why the answer is not coming to me. I am a smart girl, right? Everyone has always told me I am smart that I have a good solid head on my shoulders. Everyone CAN'T be wrong can they?
Outwardly I am self-effacing. I try to appear that I have humility about the good qualities about myself. If you give me a compliment I am going to discount it with my mouth, but I am going to take it in and puff my ego up. Here is the really interesting thing about this, though. I then take it in my mind after I have puffed myself up and use it to turn around and tear myself down at the exact same time. When I look at this I realize how completely ridiculous this is. Then I start to analyze. OH MY GOD do I analyze my shit all the time. Constantly analyzing. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? What can I do differently next time? Why didn't it work the last time I tried to change __________? (you fill it in because I have tried so fing hard to try and change things about myself anything you can come up with will probably fit right there.)
So why do I do this ridiculous shit all the time. It is an insane pattern that I have created and repeat all the time. HMMMMM.........there I go thinking about my shit again.
In my reading this morning and talking with another alcoholic I have come to a couple of realizations. The first and foremost is that I THINK TOO DAMN MUCH! I am always thinking about everything and I need to stop. The other is that I rely on myself to come up with all the answers since I am such a good thinker.
I realized that I have always shut God out of my life with my self-reliance. Now this is not a completely new realization. I have known I was shutting God out of my life for quite some time now. However, I have not known exactly how I was doing this and I certainly didn't know how to change it.
Today I can say that I have had this realization, AND I don't know exactly how to change it. What I have come to accept is that I am not God. I DON'T know everything and I DON'T have all the answers. I have also come to accept that MAYBE there is an answer out there. MAYBE I can shut up long enough to let someone with some experience with this shit give me some direction, if I ask for it that is. This is today and right at this moment. I also realize that I have a disease, and my self-reliance is part of my disease. So when I decide later today that I am God again maybe just maybe I will give myself a little break. Maybe I can pause and pray for direction and turn whatever it is over to God again. Progress not perfection as some wise people keep reminding me.
Outwardly I am self-effacing. I try to appear that I have humility about the good qualities about myself. If you give me a compliment I am going to discount it with my mouth, but I am going to take it in and puff my ego up. Here is the really interesting thing about this, though. I then take it in my mind after I have puffed myself up and use it to turn around and tear myself down at the exact same time. When I look at this I realize how completely ridiculous this is. Then I start to analyze. OH MY GOD do I analyze my shit all the time. Constantly analyzing. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? What can I do differently next time? Why didn't it work the last time I tried to change __________? (you fill it in because I have tried so fing hard to try and change things about myself anything you can come up with will probably fit right there.)
So why do I do this ridiculous shit all the time. It is an insane pattern that I have created and repeat all the time. HMMMMM.........there I go thinking about my shit again.
In my reading this morning and talking with another alcoholic I have come to a couple of realizations. The first and foremost is that I THINK TOO DAMN MUCH! I am always thinking about everything and I need to stop. The other is that I rely on myself to come up with all the answers since I am such a good thinker.
I realized that I have always shut God out of my life with my self-reliance. Now this is not a completely new realization. I have known I was shutting God out of my life for quite some time now. However, I have not known exactly how I was doing this and I certainly didn't know how to change it.
Today I can say that I have had this realization, AND I don't know exactly how to change it. What I have come to accept is that I am not God. I DON'T know everything and I DON'T have all the answers. I have also come to accept that MAYBE there is an answer out there. MAYBE I can shut up long enough to let someone with some experience with this shit give me some direction, if I ask for it that is. This is today and right at this moment. I also realize that I have a disease, and my self-reliance is part of my disease. So when I decide later today that I am God again maybe just maybe I will give myself a little break. Maybe I can pause and pray for direction and turn whatever it is over to God again. Progress not perfection as some wise people keep reminding me.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Fear
Fear is paralyzing. Fear makes me want to hide. Fear makes me want to return to my old life. Fear can make me want to drink.
I am experiencing a lot of fear today. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear that I will lose my children. Fear that I will lose anything that I think I might have. Fear that I won't be able to find a job. And on and on and on....
I could list every single fear I have but it would take me all day. Today my most prevalent fears are of losing. I am afraid of losing all the things in my life that I have held so dear for so long.
Remember that "I got it" moment that I had a few weeks ago? Well apparently I didn't really get it. I thought I knew what it meant to give it all away, but today I am experiencing a new depth to that statement.
I had my purse stolen a couple of days ago. Some of the things I did have left from my old life were in that purse. My parents had given me some money to see me through and change over my teacher certification, and the thirty minutes between my purse being stolen and when I reported it the thieves spent all of what I did have. However, the bank will be refunding the charges that I didn't make. My wedding rings were in there and a necklace that had some special significance to me. These are now gone forever. I hadn't worn my wedding rings in months, but I was going to save them for the kids if they wanted them. The necklace I had taken off because I was going to the lake and I didn't want it to get nasty. It is gone. All my identification was in the purse too. I will now have to get a new driver's license and social security card. But mostly what is gone are some of the last traces of my old life.
The conclusion that I have come to today about all this is that God knows I have to lose it all in order to rely on Him. He has got to strip it all away for me to say okay Lord I really do surrender to you because I have no other choice. He is not punishing me, I am simply being given the chance to surrender to His will. I could take the reins here and make some things happen in my will, but why? I mean really I am working on giving up my will for His so why not use this all to my advantage.
Even though I see this and I feel God working in my life I am still afraid. I want to let go with complete abandon I am just so afraid that I am paralyzed with fear.
So here is where I am right now. I am praying that God will calm the storm within me. That He take control of my life and that I can get out of the way long enough for His will to be done in my life.
I am experiencing a lot of fear today. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the known. Fear that I will lose my children. Fear that I will lose anything that I think I might have. Fear that I won't be able to find a job. And on and on and on....
I could list every single fear I have but it would take me all day. Today my most prevalent fears are of losing. I am afraid of losing all the things in my life that I have held so dear for so long.
Remember that "I got it" moment that I had a few weeks ago? Well apparently I didn't really get it. I thought I knew what it meant to give it all away, but today I am experiencing a new depth to that statement.
I had my purse stolen a couple of days ago. Some of the things I did have left from my old life were in that purse. My parents had given me some money to see me through and change over my teacher certification, and the thirty minutes between my purse being stolen and when I reported it the thieves spent all of what I did have. However, the bank will be refunding the charges that I didn't make. My wedding rings were in there and a necklace that had some special significance to me. These are now gone forever. I hadn't worn my wedding rings in months, but I was going to save them for the kids if they wanted them. The necklace I had taken off because I was going to the lake and I didn't want it to get nasty. It is gone. All my identification was in the purse too. I will now have to get a new driver's license and social security card. But mostly what is gone are some of the last traces of my old life.
The conclusion that I have come to today about all this is that God knows I have to lose it all in order to rely on Him. He has got to strip it all away for me to say okay Lord I really do surrender to you because I have no other choice. He is not punishing me, I am simply being given the chance to surrender to His will. I could take the reins here and make some things happen in my will, but why? I mean really I am working on giving up my will for His so why not use this all to my advantage.
Even though I see this and I feel God working in my life I am still afraid. I want to let go with complete abandon I am just so afraid that I am paralyzed with fear.
So here is where I am right now. I am praying that God will calm the storm within me. That He take control of my life and that I can get out of the way long enough for His will to be done in my life.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Resentments
I am thinking about resentments today. I realize that I have lots and lots of resentments that have occurred over my life. I am praying today to be rid of a couple. This is hard to do because I am not praying for myself to get over it but for the person I resent to have everything I always wanted for myself.
This is very difficult for me. Almost the very last thing I want for the person I hold resentments toward is good things. I hate to admit this but it is true. However, on the other end of that I want people who have resentments towards me to let them go and give me a break. This is not selfish and self-centered...RIGHT?????
Okay so today I am praying and praying and praying. It is nice to have an action to take to help me get rid of these resentments that are eating me alive on the inside. That's all I have got today. :)
This is very difficult for me. Almost the very last thing I want for the person I hold resentments toward is good things. I hate to admit this but it is true. However, on the other end of that I want people who have resentments towards me to let them go and give me a break. This is not selfish and self-centered...RIGHT?????
Okay so today I am praying and praying and praying. It is nice to have an action to take to help me get rid of these resentments that are eating me alive on the inside. That's all I have got today. :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Change
Change is not easy. Change is so uncomfortable. But change can be good. We can find peace in change, right?
So I made a decision and made a change. I took a step out in faith, quite possibly the first real step in faith I have ever taken. I am scared to death but I feel it was the best possible choice I could have made considering the situation.
I am not going into specifics here because that is not what this blog is about. It is about where I am and how I am doing in my recovery. And I am here sober today because of the grace of God. I felt yesterday I had but three choices I could make. Choice one...drink myself into a stupor. Choice two...end my life. Or choice three....leave. I chose number three. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My children were crying and I was crying, but in the end I put my car in drive and started driving to someplace that might actually save my life. And saving my life at the moment is THE single most important thing I can do.
In getting honest with myself I found that if I stayed where I was I was going to drink. It was just a matter of time. I could feel it like a ticking time bomb in my head. Everyday was a struggle to not drink to change my feelings about my situation. So finally I had had enough of the struggle and gave into God's will. He has brought me to this place. And I mean the place I am in spiritually. He gave me the strength which enabled me to make the change I needed to make.
This is all God. In saying that it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. It doesn't make me doubt myself any less. But when I start doing these things all I need to do to make the situation better is pray. Pray, pray, pray. I have a strange peace about it all. Again with the peace. I will never get tired of telling everyone about the peace I experience on a moment to moment basis.
So for today I am living in my change. I am walking through it and holding onto my ass and staying sober. I have a lot of people who are willing to love me and help me if I only give them a chance.
So I made a decision and made a change. I took a step out in faith, quite possibly the first real step in faith I have ever taken. I am scared to death but I feel it was the best possible choice I could have made considering the situation.
I am not going into specifics here because that is not what this blog is about. It is about where I am and how I am doing in my recovery. And I am here sober today because of the grace of God. I felt yesterday I had but three choices I could make. Choice one...drink myself into a stupor. Choice two...end my life. Or choice three....leave. I chose number three. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My children were crying and I was crying, but in the end I put my car in drive and started driving to someplace that might actually save my life. And saving my life at the moment is THE single most important thing I can do.
In getting honest with myself I found that if I stayed where I was I was going to drink. It was just a matter of time. I could feel it like a ticking time bomb in my head. Everyday was a struggle to not drink to change my feelings about my situation. So finally I had had enough of the struggle and gave into God's will. He has brought me to this place. And I mean the place I am in spiritually. He gave me the strength which enabled me to make the change I needed to make.
This is all God. In saying that it doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. It doesn't make me doubt myself any less. But when I start doing these things all I need to do to make the situation better is pray. Pray, pray, pray. I have a strange peace about it all. Again with the peace. I will never get tired of telling everyone about the peace I experience on a moment to moment basis.
So for today I am living in my change. I am walking through it and holding onto my ass and staying sober. I have a lot of people who are willing to love me and help me if I only give them a chance.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Walking through it
Feelings and perspective are what I am thinking about today. I am selfish and self-centered. This is a fact and can make me lose all perspective about situations and the people around me that I care about.
I have spent so long letting anger and drinking take care of my feelings. If I could just get angry enough I wouldn't have to feel anything including the hurt I had caused others. If the anger didn't work I would just wait until things had built up enough and then go have "a drink". That one drink that seemed so harmless, just blowing off steam, always turned into so much more for me. I used to say to myself it was helping me feel and walk through the things that hurt so much in my life, but the reality of it is that it didn't ever help me at all it only caused me more problems.
I have some profound sadness today. It started yesterday at some point and built to a fever pitch last night. I got to where I just couldn't function. I had to hide and cry. I didn't handle it well. And the people that I have put on a pedestal and held to some standard that even God couldn't adhere to let me down again...SURPRISE. I don't know why I was surprised. I don't know why I continue to be surprised when I do the same things and I get the same shit back in return. REALLY????
Okay so I am giving all this to God again today. This is the way I see it right now, I am going to have to give everything to Him every day. Is everyone like this or am I unique? Well I have learned that when I start to think I am unique that I am not. That is the furthest thing from the truth. So I guess everyone has to surrender themselves to God everyday if they want His will to be done in their life.
Today I feel like I am making progress. I didn't drink last night when I really wanted to change my feelings. I walked through it. Actually, I am still walking through it, but I think it will get better. I have hope that by walking through it I can learn from it and grow and come out on the other side. I also know that He is with me and He is carrying me. I feel like I am walking but the truth of the matter is that He is carrying me because this is something that I do not have the power to do on my own. Once I give it all up each day I receive that peace that surpasses all understanding and I am able to be quiet within my soul. But as soon as I take it back I am not peaceful anymore. I am not sure how to describe how I feel, but it is definitely not peaceful.
So for today I am going to focus on giving up and letting God take it. He is big enough. He can handle it. He doesn't need my help, I need His. I know I am blessed and I know things are getting better. They are not comfortable and they are not rainbows and butterflies, but they are slowly getting better because I am slowly surrendering and feeling.
I have spent so long letting anger and drinking take care of my feelings. If I could just get angry enough I wouldn't have to feel anything including the hurt I had caused others. If the anger didn't work I would just wait until things had built up enough and then go have "a drink". That one drink that seemed so harmless, just blowing off steam, always turned into so much more for me. I used to say to myself it was helping me feel and walk through the things that hurt so much in my life, but the reality of it is that it didn't ever help me at all it only caused me more problems.
I have some profound sadness today. It started yesterday at some point and built to a fever pitch last night. I got to where I just couldn't function. I had to hide and cry. I didn't handle it well. And the people that I have put on a pedestal and held to some standard that even God couldn't adhere to let me down again...SURPRISE. I don't know why I was surprised. I don't know why I continue to be surprised when I do the same things and I get the same shit back in return. REALLY????
Okay so I am giving all this to God again today. This is the way I see it right now, I am going to have to give everything to Him every day. Is everyone like this or am I unique? Well I have learned that when I start to think I am unique that I am not. That is the furthest thing from the truth. So I guess everyone has to surrender themselves to God everyday if they want His will to be done in their life.
Today I feel like I am making progress. I didn't drink last night when I really wanted to change my feelings. I walked through it. Actually, I am still walking through it, but I think it will get better. I have hope that by walking through it I can learn from it and grow and come out on the other side. I also know that He is with me and He is carrying me. I feel like I am walking but the truth of the matter is that He is carrying me because this is something that I do not have the power to do on my own. Once I give it all up each day I receive that peace that surpasses all understanding and I am able to be quiet within my soul. But as soon as I take it back I am not peaceful anymore. I am not sure how to describe how I feel, but it is definitely not peaceful.
So for today I am going to focus on giving up and letting God take it. He is big enough. He can handle it. He doesn't need my help, I need His. I know I am blessed and I know things are getting better. They are not comfortable and they are not rainbows and butterflies, but they are slowly getting better because I am slowly surrendering and feeling.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Never enough
It seems that it is never enough for me. I am not sure if it is my disease or just a serious character defect, but no matter what happens it is NEVER enough.
This morning I decided to listen to a CD that I hadn't listened to in quite awhile. I had gotten a comment from my friend Nicole on FB and it made me think of the time we went to see Third Day and Switchfoot together. Then a couple of days after the concert she gave me a few CD's that she had made and one was a Third Day CD. This CD has always lifted me up, and always makes me think of her. She has had strength for me when I didn't have it for myself.
So I was listening to the CD in the car to my meeting and to work. The song I heard on the way to the meeting was talking about how all the signs and wonders would never be enough to prove to some people that Jesus was real. WOW. You know what I just might be able to identify with the message of that song...maybe just a little bit.
Then the message in my meeting this morning was that it is never enough. We work and get to a point where we are doing well then we just start to coast. Then we get back to that self-centered attitude that shuts out all the sunlight of God, and gets us irritable and we start complaining about what we don't have instead of thanking Him for what we do.
As everyone is sharing about this I am listening and reflecting on me. I so do this, in fact just yesterday I did it in a big way, but even this morning I was doing it in small little ways. Yesterday, Edward asked me why I read God's word if I didn't really want to let go and let Him take control of my life. My first response was defensive. Well I do want Him to take control and give me good things in my life. BUT only when I want Him to and HOW I want Him to do it.
Yesterday as I said is a prime example of this. I asked God to help me change my situation. That I was turning everything over to Him and His care. I wanted His will to be done. Then I found out that I didn't need to take another certification test to be certified to teach in Oklahoma, this is a blessing. Then I had a conflict with a co-worker that I was able to work through on my own and let go of, I had all but forgot it by the end of the day. Those of you who know me, know that this in and of itself HAS to be GOD, because I hold on to absolutely everything. Then I had a very peaceful day. Nothing bad, nothing extremely good, just peaceful and good. Even when I got home at first I was very peaceful. I tried to screw it up, but it wasn't that bad really.
Instead of praising and thanking God for what He had done in my life that day, I was upset because I was peaceful and reasonably happy. All the things He had done for me, and it still wasn't enough for me to be thankful. Again, how selfish and self-centered am I really?
So today, I am turning it all over to God again. I don't want to take it back from Him, but I probably will. I am thankful I have people praying for me. And I am truly thankful for everything God is doing in my life. I could never do any of this by myself.
This morning I decided to listen to a CD that I hadn't listened to in quite awhile. I had gotten a comment from my friend Nicole on FB and it made me think of the time we went to see Third Day and Switchfoot together. Then a couple of days after the concert she gave me a few CD's that she had made and one was a Third Day CD. This CD has always lifted me up, and always makes me think of her. She has had strength for me when I didn't have it for myself.
So I was listening to the CD in the car to my meeting and to work. The song I heard on the way to the meeting was talking about how all the signs and wonders would never be enough to prove to some people that Jesus was real. WOW. You know what I just might be able to identify with the message of that song...maybe just a little bit.
Then the message in my meeting this morning was that it is never enough. We work and get to a point where we are doing well then we just start to coast. Then we get back to that self-centered attitude that shuts out all the sunlight of God, and gets us irritable and we start complaining about what we don't have instead of thanking Him for what we do.
As everyone is sharing about this I am listening and reflecting on me. I so do this, in fact just yesterday I did it in a big way, but even this morning I was doing it in small little ways. Yesterday, Edward asked me why I read God's word if I didn't really want to let go and let Him take control of my life. My first response was defensive. Well I do want Him to take control and give me good things in my life. BUT only when I want Him to and HOW I want Him to do it.
Yesterday as I said is a prime example of this. I asked God to help me change my situation. That I was turning everything over to Him and His care. I wanted His will to be done. Then I found out that I didn't need to take another certification test to be certified to teach in Oklahoma, this is a blessing. Then I had a conflict with a co-worker that I was able to work through on my own and let go of, I had all but forgot it by the end of the day. Those of you who know me, know that this in and of itself HAS to be GOD, because I hold on to absolutely everything. Then I had a very peaceful day. Nothing bad, nothing extremely good, just peaceful and good. Even when I got home at first I was very peaceful. I tried to screw it up, but it wasn't that bad really.
Instead of praising and thanking God for what He had done in my life that day, I was upset because I was peaceful and reasonably happy. All the things He had done for me, and it still wasn't enough for me to be thankful. Again, how selfish and self-centered am I really?
So today, I am turning it all over to God again. I don't want to take it back from Him, but I probably will. I am thankful I have people praying for me. And I am truly thankful for everything God is doing in my life. I could never do any of this by myself.
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