WOW!

I had a little time to myself this evening because the boys are at Karate and Emily is snoozing on the couch and I do not have the heart to wake her up, so I decided to take a little trip down memory lane. I read all my posts on this blog and I am blown away by my words. The biggest thing that struck me is that I have made a little progress in my journey toward some recovery today. I can look back on the posts from the last year and see some real progress.

Progress has been the hardest thing for me to see and accept. I strive for perfection. When I say perfection I mean complete and total perfection in every area of my life. I want to know that I am doing things right and that I can't be criticized for the things I am doing or have done. I want a gold star next to my name and for everyone to acknowledge ME. Since this is not at all realistic in any sort of universe, I am frequently disappointed in myself and the others. Because you see I have the same high standards for everyone around me that I have for myself, as I am sure I have mentioned here before. :)

By reading my earlier posts I realize that I have made some progress in some areas and taken some steps backwards in other areas. I started writing this blog to help me keep track of some progress. Then as things got better, busier, and different I stopped writing. I had lots of different feelings about writing on this blog for different reasons. But today I feel like I want to write a little. I want to remind myself that I am making progress and that things are a lot different today than they were even back in October. I am different. Thank God, I am different today. To me that is the most important thing I could realize today.

Humbly asked.....

Honestly, I am not sure that I have ever humbly asked anyone for anything, much less humbly ask God to help me with anything. As my last post was about my connection with God, and my character defects or shortcomings so is this one. I am still right here in the middle of identifying them and asking God to remove them and realizing that even though I THINK I am entirely ready to have all these removed from me.

When I first read that sometimes we exult in some of our character defects really loving them I just couldn't believe it. I mean who would love to be controlling, angry, jealous, and prideful? Well...apparently me. When I think about this it really makes me a bit sick on the inside.

I want to be different. It is hard to explain that how it is that I want to be different, but find it almost impossible to change. And it seems the harder I seem to work at it the worse it gets. The more I struggle against my shortcomings the worse they seem to get. At least that is the way it seems.

HOWEVER, it was suggested to me last night after a couple of days of really exulting in these few character defects that MAYBE just MAYBE the action that is needed here has to do with just NOT doing them. UNDER.ANY.CIRCUMSTANCES. UMMM....okay.

So as I was thinking about this suggestion I had some intuitive thoughts. Well...thoughts anyway. The first was that is fing hard. I MEAN really hard....I feel pretty sure that it would take a lot of work for this to happen. The second thought that came to my mind was a little more productive and probably the intuitive kind. This sounds ALOT like being powerless and my life being unmanageable. This suggestion sounds a lot like what I was told to do when I first came in the program with alcohol. DO NOT DRINK UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES...even if your ass is going to fall off.

I remember the humility that I had to have in order to take this step 100%. It was a humility that was born out of repeated humiliations and a sincere desire to do something different. I think maybe I need to go back to this in order to take the action mentioned above. I have to admit that I am powerless over my character defects. I am powerless over the change or removal of these things. Once I can admit complete and total defeat as I did with the compulsion to drink then maybe I can practice some humility without humiliation with these shortcomings.

So today I am admitting that I am powerless over these shortcomings. I am powerless in changing my controlling behavior. I am powerless over my anger. I am powerless over my jealousy, and my pride.

I am coming to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity with regards to my drinking. Now I think that I need to transfer this belief to my shortcomings. I believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity, or in my case maybe actually give me some.

Now I need to make a decision to turn this stuff over to God as I understand Him, OR....humbly ask him to remove my shortcomings.

This is my understanding today. One day at a time I am walking through recovery. Tomorrow might be different, but all I really have is today and I have walked further down the road than yesterday. That's a little bit of progress.

Toolbox

Yesterday I went hiking for the first time in about 10 years. I hiked and climbed up large rocks to the top of a small mountain in Oklahoma. Yes indeed there are mountains in Oklahoma. This was a very shocking fact for me to learn, but there are and they are just beautiful. It was so nice to get out of the city for the day and hike and mountain climb. What I have realized in this short time is that I really connect with God when I am outside. When I am inside with all the trappings of my world it is much harder for me to find a connection with God. It takes a lot more effort on my part to stay connected. Getting out of the house and into nature to connect really helps me to feel God and get closer to Him.

When I was hiking I got some time to think and just be quiet as well. The mountain that we climbed was fairly remote so it was very peaceful. As we climbed I reflected on some things I have been dealing with lately. I am working on my defects of character right now and they seem to be presenting themselves to me in lots of interesting ways. I pray for their removal every day, and I pray to be entirely ready to have them removed as well. This is really the hard part for me. I am not sure that I am entirely ready for some of them to be removed. This fact seems so weird to me. I mean doesn't everyone want those aspects of themselves that cause them so much grief and heartache to be removed?

I mean on some level yes I do want them all removed, but when I get honest with myself I have to admit that maybe I am not ENTIRELY ready to have all of them removed because I do still really love some of them and they serve a purpose for me. Take for example procrastination, or sloth in five syllables. Am I really ready to take care of everything at the exact moment it needs to be taken care of? Am I really willing to give up that feeling of being overwhelmed that causes people to feel bad for me? Am I really willing to let go of my alter ego that takes over when I am stressed out and overwhelmed who is not very nice to other people at all? Am I really willing to let people help me when they can and ACTUALLY ask for their help in situations that I really need to? Hmmm....I am not so sure. And this is just one of my lesser defects of character. UGH!

So anyway....back to my reflections when I was hiking. I was having a hard time keeping up when we were climbing some rocks. I was trying to keep up with someone who is at least a foot taller than me and he was just stepping from one rock to the other and seeming to have no real problem. I wanted to be the same. I wanted to step from one rock to the other with ease, but alas, I was having a good degree of difficulty doing that. The realization that I did have hands came to me. I did have some hands that could help me if I would use them. I also had a full range of body motion that would help me climb as well. I didn't have to stay upright if my legs just weren't long enough to do that. I could use all the tools that I had been given to actually climb the rocks and eventually the mountain.

This brought me to thinking about my life in general. I have been given lots of tools to put in my toolbox for recovery, which touches every aspect of my life, that I don't use. They are there just waiting for me to pick them up and use them and some of them I don't even have to pick up, like my hands, that I just have to use.

Anyway, I hadn't written for a long while and thought I would share where I am today.

Acceptance

Accepting that things are as they should be is REALLY hard. Accepting that every situation in life is exactly the way it should be at that moment has been near impossible for me. Throughout my life I have wanted to change almost every situation that I have ever encountered. I mean almost all of them. I did not seek to accept anyone or anything as the way it should be. I have always wanted to control and manipulate all to make them do MY will. I get disgusted with myself quite frequently when I look at this. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror very often, I really never have, and it's really no big mystery as to why.

These days I am not much better. I am accepting a little more each day, but I am still a long way off from where I accept all situations as how they should be right then. I still struggle with gaining, keeping, and releasing control of stuff. I know that this idea of control is all just a big fat lie. A lie that the committee in my head has told me for years that I need, and that its obtainable. However, I still cling to this lie as if it were the life preserver keeping me alive. If I could just control everyone around me and get them to do what I want then life would be grand. So I just set about making my life about controlling others. I don't know when I made a conscious effort or decision to do this. I believe that I was probably very young. I can give you all sort of reasons and excuses as to why I am this way, but when it comes right down to it they do not matter at all. The truth is that I cannot gain control because it is not mine to have. That is a tough one to swallow. Control of people, places, and things is not mine to have, that control belongs to God, and I am not Him.

Ouch. That stings quite a bit more than I thought it was going to this morning. So as I go about my day today I am going to accept a little more of the people, places, and things that are living and working around me. I am going to accept God's will and not mine be done in a few more situations throughout my day. I am going to allow love to come in and touch me today and maybe just maybe some of it will flow out and touch someone else.

Righteous Indignation

This has been one of my constant companions in my life, right along with the anger that is always associated with righteous indignation. My first response is always anger. I react with anger then I take a look at what might actually be going on. I always have a good reason to be angry with everyone and everything.

Grudges that are associated with this anger and righteous indignation have become sort of like my currency. If you made me angry, and it really is just a matter of time before you do, I hold a grudge until such time that I feel like you are worthy of me letting it go. This grudge was your payment for pissing me off. The "gracious" act of letting go of the grudge is like a little debt that you owe me the next time I accidentally piss you off. You are supposed to remember how awesome I was to let go of that one grudge I had against you, and of course ignore all the other grudges I had against you for all the other shit that I was holding onto. This is such f-ed up thinking I can't even believe that I could go there. Again as I have said before how selfish am I really? Apparently I am pretty damn selfish.

Oh how my disease loves to have me dwelling in anger. I found myself dwelling in anger the last couple of days. What I am learning is that this stuff does really hurt me the most. Saying this does not mean that my anger doesn't hurt other people, and in an awful way, because it does. I have surveyed the wreckage that my anger has left behind and it is not the least bit pretty. I have continually hurt people that I genuinely love, at least the best that I know how to love them. However, in the end the anger, righteous indignation, and grudges hurt me the worst. The completely ironic thing about my anger is that I would hurt and push away the people that I wanted the closest. Then I would use that as an excuse for wallowing in self-pity, and then that self-pity would lead me to drink at you.

Definitely when I am disturbed I need to pause and think about what need I have that is not being met. I have to figure out what that little brat that is still down there is whining and screaming about now. Why is she throwing a temper tantrum?

What I have figured out about this little fit that I have been throwing is due to a decision I made to not do something. I decided that the healthiest thing for me to do was to not attend something. I based this decision on the fact that I didn't think I could keep my actions and emotions under control and it was very selfish for me to put everyone through all that. But I realized that I have been angry at someone else for "making" me make this decision. If only things were different...If only I could....If only....I am shitting in one hand and wishing in the other and I am sure you can figure out which one is filling up the fastest. The reality of all this is that I have a side of the street. My side of the street is that I MADE the decision. I didn't get to do what I wanted I chose to do the thing that was best for everyone, even myself. BUT...that little brat down deep wanted what she wanted and that was to be able to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted to make the decision and get to blame it on someone else. Well no one else is to blame, its just me. I MADE the decision and I have to find peace in the fact that I made the right decision for that circumstance.

So today I am trying to move the following thoughts to my heart....Anger is not a luxury I will ever be able to afford again. Anger will cost me my sobriety and eventually my life.

God's Will...not my will...

I have spent many years trying to figure out how to live in God's will. What does it look like? How do you know you are doing it right? What is your hard evidence that you ARE living in God's will?

I have always wanted someone to write "The Practical Guide for Living in God's Will," and charge me ten dollars and have a Bible study to help me figure it out. If I could just get the blueprints and the rules on how to do it I would live in God's will forever. I mean who doesn't want to live in God's will forever. That's what I have been striving for all these years because everyone I know tells me that it will make life better, and He knows that my life needs to be better.

So no one has really written a practical guide as of yet, at least not one I can understand and implement. There have been many Bible studies that have touched on the subject, but what I felt like I really needed was a road map. One that showed me just how to do it because I really had no clue. I liked to pretend that I did. I tried to talk the talk but it was obvious to me that I wasn't walking the walk. I kept telling myself however that if someone would just show me how, in a way that I could comprehend I would do it. It is what I REALLY wanted after all so why wouldn't I do it.

What I have come to realize today is that living in God's will is not really what I wanted. I wanted to live in my will and consult God when it was convenient and have Him bless me with all the things that I wanted, and endorse all the decisions that I made as the right ones. A sort of grandma/Santa Claus of sorts.

I have recently been experiencing living in God's will. I am here to tell you that it is not always easy or fun, but it is the best my life has ever been. Giving up my will is at the very least a daily struggle for me. Some days it is an hourly or minute by minute struggle. I am starting to recognize when I fall out of God's will and into my own. It is hard to get back into His will when I take the reins and have gotten into mine. This is not because He makes it hard, but because I make it hard for me. All I really need to do is pause for a moment.

One thing I am trying to remember is to pause. Pause when I come into new situations throughout my day. Pause before I speak. Definitely pause before I take action. When I pause I need to take an action that will help me stay in God's will. This action for me is prayer. I have come to realize that the act of prayer is not one sided. I must talk with God and and tell him what's going on with me and ask for his help, direction, and will. I also need to listen. I must try to get quiet even if only for a moment and listen. He will place the next right thing in front of me, I only need to seek it.

Today I am getting back into God's will for my life. I am taking time to reflect on my daily reading, praying, talking, and listening to other alcoholics. I have a solution today I just need to use it to solve my spiritual problem.

Realizations

Now that my mind is really becoming much clearer I make realizations sometimes as quickly as moment to moment. Here are a few that I have discovered in the last couple of days.

I am more aware of when I am not being honest. This is not something I generally thought about or made myself aware of in the past. I never realized it before but it was really my standard operating procedure to be dishonest. I am also aware that when I am dishonest a lot of the time there really is no reason for it. If someone I care about asks me how I am doing my first response doesn't have to be "okay, good, or great". I can actually do a little personal check and see....how am I really doing? Then I can choose to be honest with that person or not. What I have found though is that when I am honest it usually works out for the best for me and the other person. So maybe honesty is the best policy after all? HMMM...

Another realization I have made is that maybe, just maybe I don't know everything. WOW...this is a hard one for me. Maybe there is a chance that if I let someone actually answer a question that I have asked instead of answering the question myself I might learn something. Or better yet I might just have a conversation with someone. Having an adult conversation with someone is a very new thing for me and I am not sure that I am doing all that well still.

Here is the last one for today. This really goes along with the previous realization, but I feel they deserve a separate paragraphs. I am not in control of anything except how I react to something, and when I am trying to control something I am in fear. Letting go of the fear of not being in control and knowing every damn thing is hard but every day I feel like I am getting a little better and the progress is what is important.

So here I sit with these realizations today. Some of the feelings that go with these are easy and some are not. No matter how difficult they are to deal with today I honestly, don't feel the need to change them with mind altering chemicals.